Home Satire Judge’s order to remove Bayview Cross opens portal to Hell

Judge’s order to remove Bayview Cross opens portal to Hell

Just hours after federal judge Roger Vinson ordered a cross in Pensacola’s Bayview Park removed, sources confirmed that a portal to Hell, the Bottomless Kingdom of Misery, opened near the spot where the cross stands.


Vinson, who some now allege to be the Antichrist, ruled on Monday that the 76-year-old cross was unconstitutional, giving city officials thirty days to remove it. Four Pensacola residents — no doubt agents of Lucifer himself — had filed suit against the city last year.

Soon after Vinson’s ruling was announced, nearby residents and parkgoers began reporting that a deep rift had opened in the earth, engulfing the cross and allowing the souls of the damned to escape from the fiery chasm.

“They tried to warn us and we didn’t listen — dear Lord, why didn’t we listen?” said an attorney for the American Humanist Association, seconds before being dragged into the bottomless pit and devoured by the unimaginable evil of the Dark Lord himself. “All we wanted to do was protect our whiney, meddlesome clients from being offended!”

Witnesses from the scene recounted a number of horrific and abominable sights as the park was destroyed by hellfire. Demonic wraiths and winged heretics were spotted flying through the streets of East Hill, witnesses said, undoubtedly dispatched by the Angel of Death to reclaim the souls of the out-of-town lobbyists who spearheaded the legal effort against the cross.

Multiple sources also confirmed that gunshots originating from within the deep recesses of the Underworld were reported on the East Hill Neighborhood Association Facebook page.

Late Monday afternoon, a cacophony of otherworldly screams heralded the emergence of the King of Evil, who took the form of Baphomet, a winged, horned humanoid goat. The infernal beast careened through the air admiring the destruction and casting fireballs down upon the park before returning to the depths of Hades with an unspeakably deep roar which reverberated through the neighborhood.

Watching from his home near the park, Pensacola Mayor Ashton Hayward breathed a sigh of relief as the inferno subsided and the smell of sulfur began to fade. “Thank God I didn’t have to be the one to take it down,” Hayward said, directing his staff to issue a press release criticizing Satan’s actions.

Meanwhile, as citizens throughout Pensacola prayed for the Lord’s forgiveness, city officials said that public works crews were working around the clock to drain Bayou Texar of the blood of sinners, and would soon begin accepting bids from contractors to fill the gaping, smoldering hole where the cross once stood.