How We Made it to 25 Years: Real Talk from a Wife Who’s Still in Love

Tuesday, July 8^th marks 25 years of marriage to my best friend and I can honestly say I’m still wildly in love. Not the movie-script kind of love, but the kind that’s been tested by time, toddlers, teen years, tough moments, tough conversations, and tough seasons. The kind that laughs at inside jokes, holds hands in the car, and chooses each other on ordinary weeknights. We haven’t always gotten it right, but we’ve fought to stay right here, together.

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Let’s start at the beginning. It was 1998, I was 18 years old, and it was a random (but not so random) Sunday night. I was at church where I had pretty much spent every Sunday night since birth. I had just graduated high school and was looking forward to moving away to college in just a couple of short weeks when two new fellas walked in. Fast forward to the following week when these guys returned, it was time to swoop in as any friendly churchgoer would do and introduce myself. Before doing so, a friend and I decided which boy each of us thought was cute and wanted to talk to. We agreed and away we went.

It just so happened that the young adults were gathering at someone’s house for food and fun after church, so we invited them over and much to my surprise they showed up. My now husband, Doug Jolly, and I talked and talked the entire evening and exchanged numbers before parting ways. Having been properly taught by my mother to not pursue boys but to let them pursue me, I quickly told him that I’d love to hang out, but I’d need him to call me to make plans. (Side note: this won over his mom and his older sister right away). A few days later he called, asked me on a date and I gladly said yes. He took me to Jubilee Restaurant on the beach (remember topside dining upstairs), we sat by the window overlooking the sound and then went for a walk on the beach. It was magical. I still remember what I wore.

A lot happened in the next year and a half. I moved away to college for a little more than a semester when a car accident brought me home. We fell even deeper in love, got engaged in November of 1999 (yes, I was only 19) and then married in July 2000 at 20 years old. Doug was 23.

I still love telling this story and if I told you over a cup of coffee, the story would be packed full of fun details. I’d even fill you in on the events that transpired the day before he proposed. But for now, after a quarter century, here’s just a few things I know about love that lasts.

We choose each other repeatedly.

Marriage isn’t a one-time vow, and love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s a thousand little decisions to CHOOSE love, loyalty, and grace when emotions run dry. And they do. It’s putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes and thinking about how a decision, interaction, or simple words would make you feel if they were acting the way you were. We keep saying “yes” to each other even when life makes it easier to say “later.”

We give each other room to grow.

This is so important especially because we got married so young. We’re not the same people as we were when we said, “I do.” But that’s a beautiful thing. We’ve learned to support each other’s growth, new dreams, new seasons, and even the tough personal work. We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and when something may not fit for our family, we talk it through with grace and love.

We talk about the hard stuff.

Are you familiar with enneagrams? If not, I’ll write about that soon. But if you are, I’m an Enneagram 9 and Doug is an 8. And wow could these not be more opposite! A 9 is a peacekeeper and avoids confrontation like the plague. I’d rather stuff my emotions than talk about something that bothers me. (I’m not proud of that). An 8 is a take-charge, figure it out, make it happen kind of person. Not much intimidates them so if something needs to be said, they say it. Over the years, as we’ve learned more about ourselves, we’ve learned how to communicate through these differences. It has NOT been easy, but it’s the bridge that keeps us connected. Silence creates distance. Talking, even awkwardly, invites healing.

We lean into faith, not just feelings.

Feelings are fickle but our faith is solid. Doug and I have made it a priority to stay connected first to God so we can stay better connected to each other. We also find it especially important to stay connected to our local church so that we have like-minded friends supporting us through the tough times. We’ve often wondered how people get through marriage without living for something bigger than themselves. Think of a triangle. The point at the top is God. As we’re leaning in and growing closer to God, we’re also growing closer to each other. We trust Him when we can’t figure each other out and He guides us and brings our hearts together again and again.

We protect our marriage because it matters.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but our relationship is prioritized over our kids. Does that mean our kids are left out and are not a priority, no. It means that even in the chaos of raising three kids, we make time for date nights and stay connected. If one of us starts feeling lonely, we tell each other and make time to sneak off for a night away from the kids. Fun fact, one day your kids won’t need you as much and all you’ll have left is each other. Don’t you want to still know your spouse when your nest is empty? There’s certainly no such thing as a perfect marriage, and I’m not here to pretend ours is. But we do make sure each other feels seen, heard, and loved in the middle of the messy. Don’t forget, your kids are watching. Our kids, two are now adults, tell us how grateful they are to see us in love even though the kisses still make them cringe sometimes.

Celebrating 25 years of marriage is more than a milestone, it’s a miracle of grace, growth, and grit. I encourage you to keep going, keep fighting, keep choosing love and don’t give up. Because the love that lasts? It’s not just found, it’s built, one ordinary day at a time.