Have you ever walked away from a chat with your kiddos and thought, “why did I just say that” with immediate regret?
Hi, it’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me.
If your answer is no, congrats! You’re one in a million, send me your tips. But if you’re like me, there’s been times you immediately regret something that came out of your mouth. Sometimes even just the tone of our voice can sound dismissive, uncaring, or down-right mean, even if we didn’t mean it.
Last week in my article titled “Top Ways to Parent Your Teen” I touched on the topic of speaking life into your kids. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in discipline as I believe discipline and rules give kids a sense of safety and security whether they think so or not. But there’s a right way, and a wrong way to go about it. The wrong way can crush their spirit, their self-confidence, and provide years of hurt throughout their adult life.
Words matter—especially the ones our kids hear from us. Our pastor, Tim Payne, has said many times when speaking on parenting, that especially boys need to know from their fathers that they have what it takes and are capable. It’s a question men will continue to wrestle with throughout their adult life if they weren’t taught this at an early age. As parents, we have the power to speak life or speak shame. Growing up is tough enough already. Our words can either fuel their confidence… or feed their fear and insecurities. How we parent our kids often determines how they parent their future children. If you are a parent who experienced a childhood full of hurt, I’m so deeply sorry. Here’s your chance to change the narrative for future generations.
Check out these small but powerful swaps you can start making today:
Say This: “I believe in you.”
Not That: “Why can’t you ever get it right?”
Kids are already hard on themselves. Remind them that growth takes time—and you’re their biggest fan.
Say This: “Let’s talk through it.”
Not That: “What were you thinking?”
Choose curiosity over criticism. It opens doors, not walls. Ask questions like, did you think about the consequences before you chose to do that? How do you think we should manage this situation? What might keep you from doing that in the future?
Say This: “I see how hard you’re trying.”
Not That: “You should’ve done better.”
Validation leads to motivation. Shame leads to shut down. Should we even talk about sports here? I was a soccer mom for about 15 years. The urge to talk about the game right away is strong. Most likely, your athlete is already replaying what he/she could have done better during the game without us overanalyzing each play. Stay positive and read the room. If they want to talk about it, great. But if not, stay positive and ready to cheer them on.
Say This: “I love you—no matter what.”
Not That: “I can’t believe you did that.”
Your unconditional love is the most powerful thing in their world. Say it often. My goal is to be the first person they want to call when things go sideways because they know I’ve got their back. It doesn’t mean I will rescue them from every consequence that comes from bad decisions, but it does mean, my love for them will not change. Be their safe space.
Your child doesn’t need perfect parents. They need present ones—who choose their words with love, even in hard moments. Keep showing up. Keep speaking life.
Say This: “Help me understand…”
Not That: “How could you do that?”
This gentle approach invites honesty instead of defensiveness. It shows you’re for them, not just disappointed in them. It helps when you put yourself in their shoes. Remember, you were a teen once. How would you have liked to been spoken to?
My mother-in-law gave me some of the best advice when our children were little. She told me, “Children say childish things. Don’t take it personal.” And if you remember this in the heat of the moment, it will help you realize that, many times, children aren’t choosing to hurt you by misbehaving or choosing actions we’re not happy with. They’re young and learn as they grow, through good times and bad. It’s our job to help them learn from their decisions.
We’re in this together. You’ve got what it takes. Don’t quit in the pit.
I’m here for you!
