My mother made parenting look so easy. Which is likely why my biggest goal in life was to be a mom, just like her. She was at every event, carted us around to every activity we participated in, made us believe there was nothing we couldn’t do, held boundaries, and loved extremely well.
Imagine my surprise when I found out how hard parenting can be. It is hard when they’re little when you feel like you’re living in the chaos of working, daycare, mom-guilt for working and using daycare. Then they’re finally in school but now you’re juggling homework, teachers, friendships, and bullies. Next, it’s on to the teenage years where you feel things really start to spiral. The homework battles continue, the heartbreaks are harder, the consequences of bad choices are more serious…and you find yourself wondering, 1) How in the world you got here so fast? And 2) How in the world are you going to survive this?
Good news, you will. We all do. Despite the tears and the worries, the seasons come, and the seasons go, and you DO get through it.
Here’s what I’ve learned with our own three kiddos that just might help you as well.
Listen More Than You Lecture
Create space for your teen to talk—without rushing to fix or correct. They need to feel heard, not managed. My youngest daughter and I had a conversation just a few weeks ago and the level of frustration from both of us was growing rapidly. Finally, she said, “Mom, I just need you to not give me a solution.” And I understood. Because sometimes, I just want to vent too.
Stay Curious, Not Critical
When they make questionable choices, ask with curiosity instead of reacting with judgment. “Help me understand…” goes a long way. It’s not typically productive when you ask your child “Why did you do …” Most of the time, they truly don’t know. The part of their brain that thinks of consequences is not yet fully developed. A shoulder shrug might be their true answer. Conversations about consequences go a very long way and need to happen often.
Be the Safe Place
Make your presence the calm in their chaos. Even when they mess up, remind them: ‘I’m still here, I still love you, and nothing you could do would ever change that.’ When a child has boundaries, they feel loved and safe. When troubles come, and they will, you want to be the first person they call, not the last.
Pick Your Battles Wisely
Hair color, fashion, or music taste? Let it go. Focus on what matters: character, safety, and values. Quietly pay attention to the attitude behind the behavior. If you feel your child is going down a path that is unhealthy for them, step in and redirect. But if pink hair for a season is just a fashion statement for them, ride it out. One day you can look back at those pictures together and laugh when they have children they are parenting.
Set Boundaries Without Shame
Teens need structure. But discipline should correct behavior, not crush their spirit. Having spent a lot of time around teenagers, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had girls tell me something their mom said to them, and it crushes my soul, let alone theirs. Words matter and they remember. It’s easy to let something slip in the heat of the moment because we’re all human but apologize quickly and speak life.
Keep Inviting Them In
Even when they pull away, keep showing up. Invite them to grab coffee, watch a show, or just sit down on their bed to talk. Your pursuit speaks louder than their distance. Pro Tip: When you want your kids to talk to you, find a reason to go for a long car-ride. Don’t interrogate them but turn on some music you both like and ride for a while. So many times, they will open up and start talking. When you’re in the car, they do not have to make eye contact, and the words flow more freely. Be cool and don’t get too excited. You’ll scare them off.
Model What You Preach
They’re watching how you handle stress, setbacks, and relationships. Be the example—not the exception. More lessons are caught than taught.
Speak Life Over Them
Call out what’s good. Say things like: ‘You’re brave. You’re kind. I’m proud of who you’re becoming.’ Words shape their identity. A colleague of mine once said, “I don’t want to be my child’s first bully” after she had a baby. That statement has stuck with me since and changed the way I speak to my kids. Thanks Waverly!
Pray Hard, Love Loud, Apologize Often
You won’t always get it right—but prayer, consistency, and fierce love will carry you both. We all make mistakes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve apologized to my kiddos, especially our oldest. If you’re parenting a teen for the first time, you’re learning too. So, give yourself grace along the way, and don’t be afraid to ‘fess up when you mess up.’
Don’t Do It Alone
Parenting teens is tough—get in community. Find mentors, read resources, and surround yourself with other moms and dads who get it. I know the saying is completely overused but I am a firm believer that it truly does take a village. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Seeking counseling for your teen is ok. Seeking counseling for yourself is ok. Don’t be afraid to talk about the hard stuff.
You’ve got this mom and dad. I’m here for you.
Karen Jolly
Local Pulse Staff Writer, Mom of 3.
