Recently a friend asked for help with an elderly parent. She repeatedly said, “I owe you for this.” But the truth is that “I owed her.” Not because she’s done a million things for me already, but simply because I am a part of her village and she is a part of mine.
There’s been a shift away from a “village” mentality in the United States—where people once relied on extended families, neighbors, and tight-knit communities. This shift is rooted in deep societal changes and didn’t happen overnight.
In the time after the Second World War, people flooded out of cities into suburban areas. Cars were more prevalent, allowing people to move away from their job sites and city centers. With more room, porches and stoops were abandoned for backyards and decks.
The further people roamed, the less time there was for connecting with people once at the center of their smaller worlds. With the advent of more sophisticated communication systems, those smaller worlds exploded into global expansion. The impacts of technology and social media have been both a gift and a curse on this sprawl.
Of course, the notion of individualism cannot be ignored. Families, small communities, and nosy neighbors can be a pain, almost as much as they can be blessings.
I will be the first to admit, I have refrained from taking the time to get to know a new neighbor because my own life feels unmanageable – what if they need something from me?
But more often than not, my intention to help a neighbor or friend has in turn helped me the most.
The truth is that we need each other.
It’s an easy concept to dismiss, especially when people have betrayed, hurt, or abused us. My traumas have embedded a deep caution in relationship building. My initial approach to most things is to do them myself, without asking for help.
But a village should be a safety net and a love layer. Where I grew up, our village brought casseroles when you were sick and held your baby so you could shower. I hated that close living proximity created gossip and tension at times, but after leaving I realized it was a small price for an exponential return.
Children raised with a village mentality learn to love and trust others and know that others have something to offer. They know that Mrs. Roberta makes the best cookies and that the tomatoes we buy from Mr. Green’s front yard, came from the farm the stretches out behind his house. They know that Grandpa mows Ms. Ivonette’s yard for free, but we don’t tell anybody. They know that without Mrs. Gardner, birthday cards wouldn’t arrive on time. And they know that if anything ever happens for any reason…someone WILL be there.
This sense of belonging satisfies a place deep in the soul where a yearning for purpose, identity, and spiritual connection quell and calm.
We need people who judge us less and walk beside us more.
Imagine if every comment section on the Internet was filled with, “Honey, I understand and I’m sorry,” or “I don’t understand, but I am here.” And what if every block was filled with neighbors who mowed yards for free, instead of ones who called code enforcement first?
There seems to be a longing in our society for “yesteryear” before things “became the way they are now.” Whatever that means to you. But I believe the longing has less to do with immigrants, trade, conspiracy theories, or politics and more to do with missing the village. But how do we get the village back? How do we start?
Start with a smile and a wave.
Just like the people in small towns all over have done for years – wave at passersby. Smile when you see people.
Once you’ve mastered that…invite others over to your house. The one that isn’t decorated by designers; the one that has a pile of papers on the corner of the kitchen counter. And serve tea or lemonade from a Rubbermaid pitcher. They don’t need food. God almighty in heaven, we’ve got food everywhere we go in this country. Quit worrying about “presentation” and just get together. Sit in the driveway on lawn chairs if you have to.
Sit on the front porch or in the front yard. People may wonder “What on earth y’all are doing out there,” but stay for a while and let the magic happen.
Bake something, grow something, share something.
Do one thing each month for someone in your village. This could be a church member, a neighbor, a person from your child’s school, a friend, or a co-worker. And it can be small, free, or inexpensive.
Volunteer for something good and start a conversation.
More than likely, you already have a village, but didn’t recognize them as such. Let them in. Ask for help. Lend your hands, your heart, your resources. Walk through this life together.
And maybe one day, anthropologists will look back and say, “There was a shift in the mid to late twenties. Loneliness and isolation, once at an all-time high, began to dissipate as communities began to abandon isolationism. Communities long gripped by fear and mistrust began to work together in sharing resources. The village mentality returned and people reported a deep satisfaction with life.”
All because someone started waving with their whole hand, instead of just one finger.
Be kind. Love others. And do good work.
