Well, I’ve spent four weeks discussing dating outlooks and philosophies. But now it’s time to get down to brass tacks. From generalities to specifics. From the Dumpster Fire of Dating Apps to Success in Midlife Dating.
Let’s review my previous columns: man and woman meet, fall in love, it all goes to poop, disaster and trauma ensue, and now I’m going to encourage you to do it all again. Come to think of it, maybe the title of this column should be Love and Insanity: Why We Beat Our Heads Against Brick Walls.
After the previous column, one of my friends said, “I enjoyed the column, but it was missing your flair.”
But the reality is that dating at this age is quite sobering. Swiping left and right and right and left will take the flair right out of ya.
Over the last five years, I’ve commiserated with so many friends and read post after post in my various social media groups regarding midlife dating. A rambling and frustrating post about dating again in a Gen X group was met by hundreds of 40+ women almost entirely disavowing dating.
“I’ll stick with my cross-stitch and orange cat named Socrates,” they all seemed to say.
I don’t blame them. It’s so hard to know who a person truly is without getting to know them and getting to know people requires effort, commitment, and consistency.
I, too, experienced many of the things the original poster complained about. My male friends also have a list of grievances regarding online dating. There are even sites dedicated to double-checking dating profiles to make sure someone isn’t cheating on their significant other.
In summary, the things I see repeatedly as a negative to dating these days are:
Regarding online dating:
+Use of filters on photos
+Outdated photos
+Incomplete profiles
+Too many options
+Not enough options
+Lack of effort
Regarding dating in general:
+Poor communication
+Lack of follow-through
+Substance abuse
+Weird quirks
+Disrespect
+Violation of boundaries
And…drumroll, please…ghosting.
So, with that exciting introduction…are you ready to find out how to meet the person who is about to ghost you and potentially ruin your life? I know you can’t wait!
But before we talk dating in 2025, let’s talk dating in 1992, shall we?
My high school sweetheart lived one town over and without the connection of a mutual friend, we would have never met.
While I believe this is still a very reliable way to meet someone, I want you to consider that an online dating app/service is 2025’s “friend” that connects you to the potential date you otherwise would have never met.
The major missing factor, of course, is discernment. That’s where it’s ideal to have a friend connect you, thereby vouching for the person.
But don’t worry, even people with street cred can upend your life in a dysfunctional blaze of glory. Disaster is equal opportunity.
That’s where you’ll have to use your big girl judgment, earned through thousands of dollars and years of your life in therapy. If your insight is as dull as a butter knife, round up your friends, and go through profiles together, followed by a CIA-level deep dive on everything about them.
But first, a quick refresher on meeting the old-fashioned way.
People don’t know what you’re thinking. It will be up to you to let people know you’ve lost your mind again, I mean are ready to date. So, don’t make it more complicated than that. Call your trusted friends and say, “Hello, I haven’t been miserable in a while and thought I’d give it a go again. If my life is going to be wrecked again, I’d like you to be the one to do it.”
Wait, wrong script…this one’s better, “Hey, friend, I’m ready to date again. If you think of someone that might be a good match, please keep me in mind.”
But here’s the problem. Your friends know that you’re neurotic about handy wipes, can’t hold your liquor, and alphabetize your shoe closet by brand. They love you dearly, but are nervous about siccing you on, I mean setting you up with, cousin Tommy.
So, sister…it’s on you and it’s time. If what you’re doing isn’t working, try something new. Here we go:
Step 1. Bury a St. Joseph in the yard (I know it’s for home sales, but desperate times call for desperate measures); Step 2. Pull out your phone and put it in the center of the table. Step 3. Burn sage nearby, play Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” hold on to some prayer beads, ask Jesus for mercy, and Step 4. Download a dating app.
In that order.
But Dana, which dating app?
Well, it depends on your goal. If your goal is to recreate your 20s, honey no judgment here, but I’m guessing Tinder?
If your goal is a relationship – just remember…if there is no financial investment for you, there is also no financial investment for them. Don’t be afraid of a fee.
When I first started using a dating app, I was extremely paranoid about people seeing my profile. I am fairly private and didn’t want just anyone to see my profile. Bumble allows the woman to be in control. You can turn your profile on (no pun intended) for people to see it, but I did not.
I also used Hinge and found it to be user-friendly. There are plenty of others, like eHarmony, Match, and Facebook dating.
Here’s the bottom line: the app is only as good as the number of users, or opportunities to match with someone. You can also check out Trust Pilot for reviews, but ALL of the reviews for dating apps are relatively low on Trust Pilot.
I felt like there were decent quality people on Bumble and Hinge, but it helped to widen the dating area as far as you would be willing to drive (eg. Mobile to Destin/30A).
When traveling, set your app to travel mode and explore what dating would look like in another city!
Because the apps are designed to make money, it is easy to get sucked into the twilight zone of continuing to search, thinking the grass will get greener.
It is wise to set parameters for yourself ahead of time, so when you match with someone you can quickly ask questions that determine whether or not the match is worth meeting in person.
I had a situation where a match was still dragging out the “chat” 2-3 weeks later without a plan for moving out of the chat for an in-person meeting. Brother, I am not your AI Chat Bot.
Without receiving an invite for a meet-up, I took the bull by the horns and asked if he would be interested in meeting. When he said he wasn’t sure if he was ready, but wanted to keep the conversation going. I politely declined and unmatched.
We have a saying in the South, “Fish or cut bait.” Being able to cut bait confidently is one of the most important self-preservation tools you can employ in midlife dating.
The best advice I can give about using a dating app is that you may have to try several to find what works for you. You may not find a match overnight, but if you are patient and willing to swipe left on a few hundred profiles (yes…hundred), then matching with great people is possible.
Be honest with yourself about what you are looking for and do not operate from a place of desperation. There may not be a compatible match now, but stick with it for an extended period and your luck will likely change. If it becomes exhausting or a chore, it’s okay to pause your subscription or take a break.
Try to fill out all of the sections and provide the information you would want to know about a potential match. Do not include photos of your children or friends. Refrain from using provocative photos and ones with heavy filters. It is always a good idea to provide photos in a variety of settings that demonstrate your hobbies or what is important to you.
Look for other profiles where the person has also taken the time to include important details about themselves. If they do not have 15 minutes to complete a profile, they are likely not yet committed to the dating process. Someone who takes the time to complete profiles, upload more than one up-to-date photograph, and responds promptly is ready to date.
If a person checks all your IMPORTANT boxes, don’t rule them out over superficial things too soon. Dad Bod Extraordinaires and Regular Joes have won hearts and changed lives, ladies.
But the coin has two sides. Remember when you’re looking, that nothing is real until you meet in person. “Lives in gated community” could mean prison and “athletic build (in high school)” translates differently face-to-face.
Happy Dating!
