A divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of a person’s life. For me, it was the end of a dream. No one enters a marriage thinking, “Well, here’s to the next five years! Let’s have the most fun before we crash and burn!”
When I stood on the stage of our church, I made a promise to my partner before God, my family, and my friends that was a vow of forever.
When I was dating in early adulthood, I had specific things that were important to me in a partner: faith beliefs and religious commitments, a sense of humor, intelligence, someone who I could talk to about anything, and so forth. And let’s be honest, just like any other 20-something, I wanted someone attractive.
But fast-forward 30 years and the list has changed. Now I also wonder what kind of partner am I?
I still consider faith beliefs and similar religious practices to be a high priority. I will always value a sense of humor in friends and partners. But more than anything I consider dependability, compatibility, and ease of relationship as the most important.
As we transition to the second half of life, we should consider things that didn’t seem as important in our 20s, like “How would this person handle a cancer diagnosis?” or “If I needed to move an aging parent into our home, how would this person respond?” It’s also important to consider lifestyle. You may hit it off with someone and enjoy their company, but if you are very active and they are sedentary, resentment may soon appear.
A friend of mine and I watched every episode of Indian Matchmaker and laughed through the beginning stages of our own post-40 dating, saying, “You only get 60-70% of what you want!”
Of course, the key is figuring out which 60-70% is the most important. While this percentage isn’t absolute, it is rooted in both reality and the idea of compromise. The reality is that any relationship past 40 will likely come with baggage, hurts, or hangups.
Most people dating after 40 have been hurt by the pain of divorce or are widowed. Many had traumatic endings to a once-loving relationship. More often than not, there are children of all ages involved and extended families with their perspectives and hurt over the end of a previous marriage.
With that in mind, I recommend that your first goal of dating is to develop grace. Grace for yourself and grace for other people. Partnered with the goal of grace should be the development of healthy boundaries. Just because another person deserves grace doesn’t mean they deserve access or commitment.
So beyond that, you have to decide…what IS my goal for dating?
If you are dating casually, because you aren’t sure what you want, then maybe more time is needed to develop a sense of independence and autonomy. It’s okay to date for fun, as long as the other person clearly understands your goal. Communication is key.
Although I was not as healed as I thought I was when I began dating, I don’t necessarily regret the experience, because it showed me that I was fun and desirable. It also taught me that life was not over and that partnership is possible!
If you are dating to find a long-term partnership, consider some of the things I discussed in last week’s column, Are You Ready to Date Again? If you have not done the work of healing yourself, identifying what went wrong in your previous relationship, or knowing what your hopes and dreams are for the kind of life you want to live, you are bound either to repeat history or be disappointed again.
If you are looking for a long-term partner, consider these 5 keys to relationship alignment:
- Shared Values & Goals – How does this person see the world? Glass half full or empty? What is their belief about faith, responsibility to family? How will they view your friends and current relationships? What are their goals for the future, retirement, and aging?
- Compatibility – This is similar to shared values and goals, but it more specifically addresses daily life. Does the person have the same activity level? How do they celebrate holidays? What kind of hobbies do we share?
- Character – Is this person kind? Do they respect others? How do they treat people in the service industry? How do they react when traffic is maddening or when something doesn’t go their way?
- Emotional Maturity – this is a part of one’s character, but deserves its stand-alone checkbox. Is this person self-aware? Are they flexible? Do they have to ability to grow and learn? Are they able to communicate honestly with tact and kindness?
- Autonomy – while this is always an important quality in having a balanced partnership, it is paramount for after 40 dating. So ask yourself: does this person give me space to be my own person? Is this person stable?
Of course, chemistry and attraction are important to a relationship but keep in mind that some physical attributes will fade over time. While attraction and chemistry are important, you might develop attraction to someone who espouses all of these things as the relationship develops. Unless the person completely turns you off, you might keep an open mind in the beginning.
Copy these keys to the notes section of your phone and review them after going on a date or before accepting a date. Having a set of standards in place will help keep you from falling for someone based on chemistry or to avoid being lonely.
Next week, I’ll discuss finding people to date!
Regardless of your goal, please consider your safety and privacy when scheduling dates.
