Are you ready to date again?
If you said, “I think so? Maybe?” Then keep reading.
If you said, “Girl, no.” Then you, too, should keep reading.
In February, I shared two columns, “Love After Divorce: A Southern Girl’s Guide to Starting Over, Parts 1,” and “Love After Divorce: A Southern Girl’s Guide to Starting Over, Part 2.” I was overwhelmed with feedback after publishing those columns.
I was not surprised. Over the last 5 years, I have been repeatedly approached with simple questions about divorce, custody, stress and health management, child behavior, career and job readiness, self-care, and more – all stemming from the deep desire to either start over or figure out a fork in the road of life, as a result of a struggling marriage, separation, or divorce.
This experience taught me that there are so many women (and men) looking for community and support when starting over.
I will continue to write about Southern culture, funny things, parenting, and Pensacola. But I feel called to create a community of support for people, especially in midlife, simply wanting to begin again – no matter the impetus.
After divorce, one of the ways we start over is by dating. It was quite the topic for several people who contacted me after the last two columns.
“Where do I start?” several asked.
Let’s delve into this together.
The first question you should ask yourself is, “Have I worked through the damage of my divorce? Have I healed? Do I know who I am?”
This is the most important step.
It is easy to move straight into dating because it is fun and feels good to receive attention and companionship, especially after the emotional and physical neglect that can come during a season of marital difficulty and divorce.
Even if you think you feel okay or are happy following a divorce, it doesn’t hurt to touch base with a professional counselor or a friend you trust to walk through some hard questions and find accountability. I thought I was healed and ready, following my divorce, but the reality is that I was lonely and broken.
Sometimes, you feel great, so it’s hard to discern where you are. This is why professionals will tell you to wait before entering another relationship. You don’t know what you don’t know. For many, the loneliness and longing started well before the divorce, making it exceptionally hard to wait even longer to begin again.
If you are looking for a lasting partnership, it is WORTH IT TO WAIT.
If you aren’t sure who you are, what you want from life, or what to do next – start here: begin taking notes on what makes you happy or gives you fulfillment.
Right now, open the notes section of your phone and type, “Who am I?” at the top of a new note. As you think of things you like or enjoy, type them in this note.
Take personality tests or ask your friends to list 5-10 traits they value in you. No question is too simple or complex. If you are a person who loves to be outdoors, write that down. If you prefer eating out instead of cooking at home, write that down.
Next, identify your hobbies and take note of how you spend your time. Be honest with yourself. Then write it down.
Once you make lists noting what is true about you, identify your non-negotiables and highlight them.
If you do not know what is true about you, dating will be harder than it needs to be and the result can be disastrous.
We are often asked, “What are you looking for in a partner?”, when the real question we should be asking is “Who am I?”. Once you clearly define your values, how you like to spend your time, and your goals for the future, you can more clearly focus on looking for a partner that aligns with your TRUE SELF.
I believe this is the key to finding a compatible person for a mature, substantive, and hopefully enduring partnership.
If you search for a partner based on appearances, instant chemistry, or achievements, your connection to them will likely always be conditional on those superficial things. (Note: I am not talking about the qualities that led someone to achievement, but the rewards of the achievements)
It is easy to be captivated by someone’s appearance and have nothing to talk about by the second month or lose sight of your goals falling for the enchantment of a charmer, only to later resent the malalignment.
When we are young, it’s easier to flex and bend as you have the potential to grow and develop together, but coming together in mid-life should be approached with even more discernment.
Soon enough, we’ll get to dating apps and the best places to meet someone, but if you are looking to date again, we are starting here first.
Your homework for this week is to define who you are! Join me next week, as we ask “What is my goal for dating?“
