Praise the Lord, pass the biscuits, and shove one down your throat!
There ya go, I just solved all your holiday problems in one fell swoop! Just kidding, just kidding. Sort of.
Look, the holidays are coming and everyone’s lost their mind, so how do you prepare?
I don’t mean ‘what’s the best recipe’ or ‘how to set the table’. I mean, what to do with the annoying ole goat that gets yours every time? Truth be told, I like my family and I miss the ole goat of our house terribly. He never got mine, but he did take my nose off and wiggle it in between his pointer and middle fingers a time or two.
For many, family can be a beast of a burden, it’s true. (Side note: for years I thought Beast of Burden was Big Star Burning, so you may not want to take advice from me)
Anywho…not everyone likes the people who brought ‘em to the dance, so if you don’t like yours, I highly recommend just shopping for new ones. Here’s how it works: set up camp in the board game aisle or the Publix bakery section; see who buys the best games and desserts, who seems the least crazy, and follow ‘em home.
Just don’t get mad at me if they call the law.
What? You don’t like this idea? I think it’s fabulous. If you’re gonna choke on something, it may as well be a good chocolate pie, and where better to find a new Aunt AND a dessert than the bakery, right? Of course, you could go all in and hang out in the baking ingredient aisle to find a relative who makes one from scratch. And if you’re REALLY serious, make your way over to J’s or Craft and Lurky-loo for the top-shelf variety.
All you need is a clever little sign that says, “Family For Hire” complete with applications and all the right boxes to check.
Here are some positions your family might have openings for:
Uncles who say nothing more than “Dang, Barbara, you got anymore uh them little barbecue thangs?” and never fail to turn Cards of Humanity into a game of charades. (Hey, am I on to something here…or am I on to something?) Hide the children, Margaret, Uncle Jimmy’s back on the sauce!
Aunts who bring the best pies and the most compliments. They smell like heaven, slip you $20s and a torn-off piece of Juicy Fruit, and are never short on Ibuprofen. Bonus points if they wear an “Eat My Grits” t-shirt as an icebreaker.
Siblings who never watch television and only talk of the lucrative future in llama herding and vintage record-collecting. You’re always welcome at the kids’ table and on the family tree.
Moms who tear up when they see your precious smooshy-whooshy whittle face, even if you’re fifty, and Dads who let you know it’s time for a tire rotation and mind their own business about everything else.
Ideal candidates will respect boundaries and keep their pie holes shut for anything and everything that is not kind, helpful, or, in fact…pie.
If you’re not successful in receiving quality candidates…REAL TALK…maybe you’re the cousin everyone else is trying to replace. Blood IS thicker than water, but sometimes it clots and causes emergency health events.
Travel safely to Grandma’s House or stay peacefully cozy on your own. Whatever it looks like to you, I hope you stay well this holiday season – physically, mentally, spiritually…humorously.
Love each other, which is sometimes easier with a text message from a distance. Have good boundaries and respect the ones given. Be plentiful with the seasoning. If something on the buffet doesn’t open your nostrils, Southerners don’t want it. Replace relatives when necessary and pray hard when you can’t. Or at least add ’em to the prayer list, er group chat.
And remember, biscuits slathered with the sweet honey of empathy taste much sweeter going down.
Merry Everything, my loves! Keep your standards high, your expectations low, and for the love of the Divine Most High God in Heaven, this ain’t the year to dry out the cornbread dressin’!
