When I opened my phone this morning a photo popped up on my photo app that said “this day four years ago.” It was a selfie. I look teary-eyed, scared, defeated and completely drained. Probably because I was.
This day four years ago, August 28, 2020, I was one month into receiving the worst news of my life, one day into receiving a picc line for chemotherapy, two days away from having IVF surgery and four days away from my first radiation and chemotherapy treatment. I guess you could say the look on my face was warranted. Here is the photo for reference.
I’ve used this outlet before to share bits and pieces of my cancer journey, which you can read here, but this word overflow and random stream of consciousness came to me this morning and it’s based off of two words — ‘What If’.
Cancer brings a cycle of unwanted questions. Scary questions that have probably never crossed your mind until now. You see, in the photo above, my mind was flooded with ‘what ifs.’
What if the cancer spreads? What if treatment doesn’t work? What if the doctors miss a spot? What if I die? What if I never have kids? What if I have to leave behind everyone I love? What if it comes back?
The list goes on and on. It’s a torturous game that plays out every worst case scenario in your head. At the time, it was easy to live in this space. Today, four years later, every hiccup or headache that crosses my path begins to beg the same questions. With cancer in my history, it’s a fairly familiar place for my mind to visit, but definitely not a fun one.
Whether you’ve battled cancer or not, we all are haunted by one of life’s biggest mysteries — death. It’s everyone’s fate, we just don’t know when. With that being said, I realize these unhealthy, unproductive ‘what ifs’ might play into everyone’s world from time to time depending on the circumstance.
Which begs me to ask the question, what if the what if’s didn’t have to be so scary? What if instead they were productive and life-giving?
For example…
What if cancer prompts forgiveness and the desire to mend relationships? What if it magnifies how short, precious and rare life is? What if it creates a space for faith? What if it makes you say now instead of later? What if it allows you to take that new job and get out of the old one? What if it guides you to take that trip to Australia? What if you drop the habits that are no longer serving you? What if it reveals us to our core, and turns us into the sweet, nurturing, truthful and kind being that resides within all of us — the best version of ourself.
Once again, the list goes on and on. As my eyes were filled with with water and sadness this morning from an iPhone photo reminder, it was also a beautiful reminder.
A beautiful reminder to live in the life-giving what ifs and that grief and gratitude can coexist.
